315+ Dad Jokes: The Best Clean Groaners, Ranked

I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Then it would be a foot.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.

I would tell you a construction joke, but I'm still working on it.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.

What did the buffalo say when his son left? Bison.

Why don't scientists trust stairs? They're always up to something too.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't put it down.

Why was the math lecture so long? The teacher kept going off on a tangent.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

What do you call a sad strawberry? A blueberry.

Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn't peeling well.

How does a cucumber become a pickle? It goes through a jarring experience.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Why don't melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine.

What's a potato's favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.

I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have set it to aloha temperature.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.

What do you call a cheese that is not yours? Nacho business.

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch.

Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken.

What kind of nut has no shell? A doughnut.

Why did the lettuce win the race? It was a head.

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit? An astronut.

Why was the cucumber mad? It was in a pickle.

What did the hamburger name its baby? Patty.

Why do the French eat snails? They don't like fast food.

What do you call sad coffee? Depresso.

Why did the orange stop? It ran out of juice.

What do you call a fake pasta? An impasta... again, some jokes are worth repeating.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Why did the bread go to therapy? It had a lot on its plate.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don't work.

What do you call a dog that can do magic? A labracadabrador.

How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

Why don't dogs make good dancers? They have two left feet.

What's a frog's favorite drink? Croak-a-cola.

Why did the chicken join a band? It had the drumsticks.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Where do cows go on Friday night? To the moo-vies.

What do you call a bear caught in the rain? A drizzly bear.

Why are fish so smart? They live in schools.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

What's a cat's favorite color? Purrple.

Why did the fish blush? It saw the ocean's bottom.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

How do rabbits travel? By hareplane.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

Why don't oysters share? They're shellfish.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

What do you call a dinosaur with a big vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I lost my job at the bank. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.

I wanted to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I used to sell shoes, but I couldn't fill the position.

My job at the coffee shop was fine, but it wasn't my cup of tea.

I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.

I applied to be a lumberjack, but they said I couldn't cut it.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

I used to be a tailor, but it wasn't a good fit.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

My electrician friend quit. He said the work was too shocking.

I tried being a chef, but I didn't have thyme.

The math teacher went on vacation. She said she needed to find x.

I was going to be a mime, but I didn't want to keep it to myself.

My accountant told a joke. Nobody laughed. It didn't add up.

I used to be a road worker. It was a long stretch.

I opened a shop selling clocks. Business is about time.

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks? Fowl weather.

Why did the sun go to school? To get a little brighter.

What's a tornado's favorite game? Twister.

I told a joke about the wind, but it blew over.

What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?

How does the weather get around? It blows by.

Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green.

What do you call a snowman in July? A puddle.

Why is it always warm in the corner of a room? Because it's 90 degrees.

What falls in winter but never gets hurt? The snow.

What do you call a wet bear? A drizzly bear.

Why did the cloud break up with the storm? It needed space to clear its head.

What's a raindrop's least favorite thing? A drought.

How do hurricanes see? With one eye.

What did the lightning bolt say to the other? You're shocking.

Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.

Why did the phone need glasses? It lost all its contacts.

I changed my password to 'incorrect', so my computer just tells me when I'm wrong.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.

What's a computer's favorite snack? Microchips.

Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? It couldn't C.

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.

Why did the robot go on vacation? To recharge.

My Wi-Fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem nice.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? It had a virus.

Why was the keyboard up all night? It had two shifts.

What do you call a computer that sings? A Dell.

Why did the smartphone go to therapy? It lost its sense of touch.

How do trees get online? They just log in.

Why did the developer go broke? He used up all his cache.

Why did the student eat his homework? The teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What's the king of the classroom? The ruler.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine.

What do you call a teacher with no students? Happy... just kidding.

Why did the math book look so sad? It had too many problems.

What's a physicist's favorite food? Fission chips.

Why can't you trust an atom? They make up everything.

What did the biologist wear to impress a date? Designer genes.

Why did the geologist go to the party? To rock out.

What do you call an educated tube? A graduated cylinder.

Why did the chemistry teacher get promoted? She had all the solutions.

What's a snake's favorite subject? Hiss-tory.

Why was the equals sign so humble? It knew it wasn't less than or greater than anyone.

What do you call a clever cloud? A thunder-genius.

Why did the textbook visit the nurse? Its spine hurt.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.

I dropped my broom. Now I have to sweep up my act.

My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham-rock.

I finally cleaned the vacuum. Now I have a clean sweep.

The broom was late to work. It overswept.

Why did the couch go to therapy? It couldn't handle the pressure.

Why did the lamp go to school? To get a little brighter.

What did the wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.

Why was the broom tired? It had been sweeping all day.

What do you call a nervous window? A pane in the glass.

Why did the door go to the doctor? It had a frame problem.

What do you call Santa's little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Why was the Christmas tree bad at knitting? It kept dropping its needles.

What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.

Why did the turkey join the band? It had the drumsticks.

What's a pumpkin's favorite sport? Squash.

Why don't mummies take vacations? They're afraid to unwind.

What do you call a scary snowman? An abominable no-man.

How does a snowman get to work? By icicle.

What did the Christmas ornament say? I feel a little unhinged.

Why did Cupid bring a pencil? To draw people together.

What do ghosts eat for dinner? Spooketti.

Why are skeletons so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.

What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit? Straw-berries.

Why did the Easter egg hide? It was a little chicken.

Why can't you play sports in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

What's a boxer's favorite drink? Punch.

Why was the baseball player bad at saving money? He spent every cent on strikes.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of socks? In case he got a hole in one.

What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.

Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net.

Why did the bowling pins stop working? They went on strike.

What's a runner's favorite kind of music? Anything with a good pace.

Why did the soccer ball quit the team? It was tired of being kicked around.

What do you call a cat on a baseball team? The designated hisser.

I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Why did the nurse bring a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood.

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

The doctor said I only had a week to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15 years, so he was wrong.

Why did the doctor carry a red pen? To draw blood.

I used to be a hypochondriac. The only thing I didn't have was a good time.

What did the doctor say to the window? You have a pane problem.

I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, can you describe the symptoms? I said, sure, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Why did the skeleton go to the doctor? It had a bone to pick.

I got a splinter in my finger. Guess I should have seen that coming, the whole thing was pointless.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head on the keys? He was playing by ear.

What kind of music do balloons hate? Pop.

Why did the musician get locked out? He left his keys in the piano.

What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? The trom-bone.

Why did the singer climb a ladder? To reach the high notes.

What do you call a cow that plays guitar? A moo-sician.

Why was the music teacher arrested? She got in treble.

What genre are national anthems? Country.

Why couldn't the orchestra find their composer? He was Haydn.

What do you call a dinosaur that plays drums? A rocktopus... close enough.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera.

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

I gave away my dead batteries. Free of charge.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

I couldn't believe the highway department stole from me. But the signs were all there.

I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I once got fired from a can factory. I let a few cans slip.

Never trust an atom. They literally make up everything.

Velcro. What a rip-off.

I only ever get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We'll see about that.

I threw a boomerang years ago. I now live in constant fear.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

My family said I'm obsessed with astronomy. I told them to give me some space.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said nothing. So I got her nothing. Now she's upset.

My kids wanted a pet, so I got them a clock. It's the least needy thing in the house.

My wife said I never listen. Or something like that.

Being a dad is like folding a fitted sheet. Nobody really knows how, but you commit.

My son asked if he could get a phone. I told him he already has one, it's called the landline in 1994.

I childproofed the house, but the kids still get in.

My wife asked me to pass the salt. That's the most action the salt has seen all week.

My teenager said I'm embarrassing. So my work here is done.

I told my daughter to go to bed. She's 25 and lives across the country, but a dad never stops.

My wife said stop acting like a know-it-all. I said, well, technically...

I wanted to visit the moon, but the reviews said there's no atmosphere.

I used to be scared of hurdles, but I got over it.

I booked a trip to the Arctic. It was cool.

My GPS and I broke up. It kept telling me where to go.

I visited a farm on my vacation. It was a-moo-sing.

Why don't maps ever get lost? They always know where they stand.

I tried to plan a trip to Egypt, but I was in de-nile.

The plane was full of chess players. In the lobby they bragged about their games. That's why I hate a chess nut boasting in an open foyer.

I went to a seafood town. Everyone was very shellfish.

I took a trip down memory lane. The road needed repaving.

I told the tree a joke. It was stumped.

Why did the gardener plant a light bulb? He wanted to grow a power plant.

What do you call a grumpy gardener? A snapdragon.

My lawn and I have a great relationship. We're on the same level.

Why did the flower stop? It ran out of petals.

I tried to catch some fog while camping. Mist again.

What did the big flower say to the little one? Hey, bud.

Why do trees hate tests? They get stumped.

I planted some money in the garden. I was hoping it would grow into a bank.

My compost pile is my best listener. It never rots out on me.

I bought a car with no wheels. It's just a great conversation piece in the driveway.

Why did the car apply for a job? It wanted to work on its exhaust-ive resume.

My mechanic said I needed a new muffler. I said, no thanks, it's already quiet enough.

What do you call a cheap car that won't start? A stationary wagon.

I told my car a joke. It wouldn't start laughing.

Why was the traffic light late? It kept changing its mind.

My old car is like a good dad joke. It groans a lot but it still runs.

Why did the bicycle need a nap? It was two tired to keep going.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamb-orghini.

I parked in the shade so the car would stay cool. Now it won't come out.

What do you call a man who can't stand? Neil.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen.

What do you call a man floating in the water? Bob.

What do you call a man buried in a garden? Pete.

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.

What do you call a man with no shovel? Doug, but without one he's just... Oug.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff.

What do you call a woman with a tortoise on her head? Shelly.

What do you call a man who owes money? Bill.

What do you call a man lying in a doorway? Matt.

What do you call a man who's lost all his money at the beach? Sandy... and broke.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.

What has hands but can't clap? A clock.

Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? To go to high school.

What do you call two birds in love? Tweethearts.

Why was the broom late? It over-swept.

What's a shark's favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? She will let it go.

What do you call a dog on the beach in summer? A hot dog.

What do you call a duck that gets all A's? A wise quacker.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? It was stuffed.

What do you call cheese wearing a disguise? A cheddar in sheep's clothing.

I told my wallet a joke. It had no change of expression.

Why did the dollar go to school? To make more cents.

I invested in a company that makes yachts. So far it's staying afloat.

My bank account and I are very close. We have nothing between us.

Why did the shopper bring a ladder? The prices were through the roof.

I got a discount on a boomerang. It kept coming back.

Why did the coin feel lonely? It had no cents of belonging.

I bought stock in a bakery. I'm hoping the dough rises.

I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia. She whispered, they're right behind you.

I used to be a personal trainer, then I gave my too weak notice.

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

Why did the coffee taste like dirt? It was ground this morning.

I have a joke about a roof, but it's over your head.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!

I made a belt out of herbs. It was a waist of thyme.

Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker? He was outstanding in his field.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Actually, it's more of a wrap.

Why don't eggs tell each other secrets? They might crack up.

I tried to write a joke about the moon, but it wasn't full enough.

What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'll go on ahead.

Why was the belt arrested? It held up a pair of pants.

I once entered a pun contest. I sent ten different puns hoping one would win. No pun in ten did.

What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut? A barberqueue.

Why did the bee get married? It found its honey.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick, and by now you know that.

I used to be a shoe salesman till they gave me the boot.

Why did the calendar look nervous? Its days were numbered.