208+ Chuck Norris Jokes: The Best Facts, Ranked

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way. Once.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Some magicians can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once won a game of tic-tac-toe with a single move.

Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak, and ate it before the waiter took the order.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the water away.

Chuck Norris orders a Big Mac at Burger King, and gets one.

Chuck Norris' alarm clock is set to whenever he feels like it.

Chuck Norris doesn't wait for the microwave. The microwave waits for him.

When Chuck Norris does a jigsaw puzzle, there is never a missing piece.

Chuck Norris can charge his phone by holding it.

Chuck Norris' coffee is scared to go cold.

Chuck Norris doesn't lock his doors. Nothing would dare go in.

Chuck Norris can hang a picture with no nail, no hammer, and no wall.

The 'close door' button in elevators works for Chuck Norris every time.

Chuck Norris' leftovers never spoil. They know better.

Chuck Norris doesn't set a table. The table sets itself.

Chuck Norris never loses his keys. The keys report in every morning.

Chuck Norris' toast always lands butter side up.

Chuck Norris doesn't check the weather. The weather checks with him.

Chuck Norris' shopping cart never has the wobbly wheel.

Chuck Norris opens the pickle jar before the lid knows it's on.

Chuck Norris' shoelaces never come untied. They wouldn't dare.

Chuck Norris gets the last parking spot even in an empty lot.

Chuck Norris' ice cream never drips.

Chuck Norris' phone screen has never cracked. The floor apologizes instead.

Chuck Norris folds a fitted sheet on the first try, every time.

Chuck Norris' fridge light stays on because it's afraid to go dark.

Chuck Norris peels a banana from whichever end he wants.

Chuck Norris can access the database from the front end.

Chuck Norris' code never has bugs. The bugs are too afraid to show up.

Chuck Norris doesn't need the internet. He already knows everything on it.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris' password is the last 12 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can ping a server that's turned off.

When Chuck Norris' Wi-Fi drops, the router apologizes in person.

Chuck Norris can plug in a USB correctly on the first try, every time.

Chuck Norris doesn't clear his cache. His cache clears itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris can exit Vim.

Chuck Norris' phone has full bars in the basement, in a tunnel, on the moon.

Chuck Norris doesn't use CAPTCHA. The robots have to prove they're not him.

Chuck Norris can screenshot a Snapchat without the other person knowing.

Chuck Norris' battery goes from 1% to 100% out of fear.

Chuck Norris compiled the whole project on the first build.

Chuck Norris can center a div without googling it.

Chuck Norris doesn't reboot. He tells the computer to try harder.

Chuck Norris' printer has never jammed.

Chuck Norris can read a QR code with his eyes.

Chuck Norris doesn't back up his files. Nobody would dare delete them.

Chuck Norris' updates install instantly. Progress bars round up to please him.

Chuck Norris can beat the final boss during the loading screen.

Chuck Norris' autocorrect never fights him. It just agrees.

Chuck Norris' downloads finish before they start.

Chuck Norris doesn't spot you at the gym. The weights spot themselves.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris scored a hole in one on a mini-golf windmill hole.

Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. He intimidates water out of his body.

Chuck Norris can bench-press the day off.

When Chuck Norris runs a marathon, the finish line comes to him.

Chuck Norris doesn't warm up. The gym warms up for him.

Chuck Norris can nutmeg a wall.

Chuck Norris' personal best is everyone else's world record.

Chuck Norris doesn't miss free throws. The hoop moves to be polite.

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with the sun.

The treadmill asks Chuck Norris to slow down.

Chuck Norris can score an own goal for the other team and still win.

Chuck Norris' jump rope is afraid to trip him.

Chuck Norris finishes a triathlon before the horn goes off.

Chuck Norris can dunk on a ten-foot rim from the parking lot.

Chuck Norris does a plank until the clock gives up.

The referee asks Chuck Norris for permission to blow the whistle.

Gravity doesn't pull Chuck Norris down. He allows it to stay.

Chuck Norris can make a Slinky go up the stairs.

Chuck Norris doesn't get cold. The cold gets Chuck Norris.

The speed of light is just how fast Chuck Norris lets it move.

Chuck Norris can grow a plant by frowning at the soil.

Lightning asks Chuck Norris where to strike.

The ocean is salty because Chuck Norris never cries into fresh water.

Chuck Norris can balance a raw egg on a spoon in a hurricane.

Volcanoes erupt when Chuck Norris tells them a scary story.

Chuck Norris can hear the color orange.

Chuck Norris can smell rain three days before the clouds decide.

The North Pole points toward Chuck Norris out of respect.

Chuck Norris can boil water just by staring at it.

The tide comes in when Chuck Norris waves it over.

Chuck Norris can photosynthesize in the dark.

Thunder is just the sky flinching after Chuck Norris claps.

Chuck Norris can fold space to skip the line at the DMV.

The sun rises because Chuck Norris tells it the night is over.

Chuck Norris can solve for x without an equation.

Chuck Norris finished the timed test before the teacher said 'begin.'

Chuck Norris' calculator has one button, and it just says 'correct.'

Chuck Norris doesn't show his work. The work shows itself.

Pi ends when Chuck Norris tells it to.

Chuck Norris can round a number up and down at the same time.

Chuck Norris got a 101 on a 100-point test out of respect.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a ruler. Lines just come out straight.

The fire drill waits until Chuck Norris finishes his sentence.

Chuck Norris can spell 'Wednesday' without saying it in his head.

Chuck Norris' pop quizzes see him coming and study first.

Chuck Norris can name all fifty states before the map loads.

Chuck Norris' homework does itself and then thanks him.

Chuck Norris can read a whole chapter in the time it takes to open the book.

The bell rings when Chuck Norris decides class is over.

Chuck Norris can conjugate a verb that hasn't been invented yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't do burpees. Burpees do Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door and lock it.

Fear of spiders is arachnophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is just common sense.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter.

Chuck Norris doesn't take the stairs or the elevator. The building lowers him.

When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles, somewhere a mime starts talking.

Chuck Norris can win a game of rock-paper-scissors with a wall.

Chuck Norris doesn't chop onions. The onions cry first.

Chuck Norris can hear you rolling your eyes.

The 'do not remove' tag on a mattress removes itself for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam a wad of paper into a full trash can from across the office and never miss.

Chuck Norris doesn't get flat tires. The road smooths itself out.

Chuck Norris can make a fist so hard the air files a complaint.

Chuck Norris' handshake has its own weather warning.

Chuck Norris can win an argument with a voicemail.

The mosquito that bit Chuck Norris now goes to therapy.

Chuck Norris' bread always lands butter side up, even without butter.

Chuck Norris can flip a pancake without a pan.

Chuck Norris' cereal stays crunchy in milk for a week.

Chuck Norris doesn't preheat the oven. The oven preheats itself and hopes he's pleased.

Chuck Norris can slice bread that's still frozen with a spoon.

Chuck Norris' hot sauce asks him to go easy.

Chuck Norris can make instant coffee in an instant, without water.

The last cookie in the jar refills itself for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can grill a steak by describing fire to it.

Chuck Norris' soda never goes flat.

Chuck Norris can open a bag of chips at the exact seam, every time.

Chuck Norris' pizza never burns the roof of his mouth.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris' avocado is perfectly ripe the moment he wants it.

Chuck Norris' meetings end early out of respect.

Chuck Norris doesn't reply-all. Everyone already knows.

Chuck Norris' out-of-office reply just says 'no.'

Chuck Norris can hit 'reply' and the email un-sends itself if he changes his mind.

Chuck Norris' printer always has toner.

The vending machine gives Chuck Norris two snacks and change he didn't put in.

Chuck Norris' spreadsheet never has a circular reference. The cells sort it out among themselves.

Chuck Norris' Monday is afraid to be a Monday.

Chuck Norris doesn't take PTO. Time takes off for him.

Chuck Norris can join a video call with the camera on and the lighting perfect.

Chuck Norris' inbox reaches zero and stays there.

Chuck Norris' Wi-Fi at the coffee shop is faster than everyone else's combined.

Chuck Norris' flight is never delayed. The weather clears out of the way.

Chuck Norris' luggage is always first on the carousel.

Chuck Norris doesn't check a map. The roads rearrange to help him.

Chuck Norris gets an upgrade to a seat that doesn't exist yet.

The 'fasten seatbelt' sign asks Chuck Norris for permission.

Chuck Norris' umbrella has never been used. The rain simply waits.

Chuck Norris can catch every green light in a row, in reverse.

Chuck Norris' phone finds signal in the middle of the desert.

Chuck Norris' hotel always has his room ready before he books it.

Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Time zones adjust to him.

The snow shovels itself when Chuck Norris steps outside.

Chuck Norris' tent puts itself up out of fear.

Chuck Norris' dog picks up after itself.

The bear that met Chuck Norris now sleeps with a nightlight.

Chuck Norris' cat comes when called. The first time.

Chuck Norris can out-stare an owl.

Sharks have a week dedicated to not running into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' goldfish has a ten-year memory.

Bees make extra honey just in case Chuck Norris drops by.

Chuck Norris can herd cats. In a straight line.

The rooster waits for Chuck Norris to wake up before it crows.

Chuck Norris' parrot only repeats correct answers.

Chuck Norris can whistle in five languages.

Chuck Norris' shadow takes a day off.

Chuck Norris can slam a spinning top.

Chuck Norris' echo answers first.

Chuck Norris can peel an orange in one piece with his mind.

Chuck Norris doesn't blink. He gives the world a moment to rest.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his sleeves rolled down.

Chuck Norris can fold laundry that's still in the dryer.

Chuck Norris' GPS never says 'recalculating.'

Chuck Norris can high-five a mirror.

Chuck Norris can start a car with the wrong key.

Chuck Norris' pencil never breaks.

Chuck Norris can catch his own reflection.

Chuck Norris' plants water themselves.

Chuck Norris can hear a dropped call before it drops.

Chuck Norris' balloons never pop.

Chuck Norris can win hide-and-seek standing in the open.

Chuck Norris' sneeze comes with a warranty.

Chuck Norris can juggle one ball.

Chuck Norris' bubble gum never loses its flavor.