Tree Puns – Best Jokes about Wood

Look around, all around, yeah, that’s right; all you see are trees everywhere. Trees seem so solemn and serious but, don’t be bamboozled into thinking trees are no fun. Please excuse my penchant for corny tree puns, as there is plenty of fun to be had at our oxygen-producing friend’s expense. There are great tree puns and tree jokes. Along with the accompanying wood puns and wood jokes if you want to “branch” out a bit. In this article, I will share some of my favorite foliage funnies with you.

New Funny Tree Puns

No one wants the same old tired selection of funny tree puns that our dads have been using for ages. Here I have the best and newest in a long line of great and funny tree jokes. The only difference between my list and your father’s is, these are actually hilarious. So be sure to check them out and get right to the root of the jokes!

What did the tree do when the bank closed?

It started its own branch.

You want to hear a joke about trees?

Nah, it’s too sappy.

What crime is punishable by death in the kingdom of trees?

Treeson

What is it called when a tree has spine problems?

ScoliOAKsis.

I have a pet tree.

It’s a lot like having a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

What do you call an oak tree that can’t make it’s mind up?

Undeciduous

How do trees connect to the Internet?

They log on.

In China, they don’t cut trees.

They just chopsticks

How do you properly identify a dogwood tree?

By the bark!

What did the single tree say to the tree who stood her up?

You should have put a ring on it.

What’s a tree’s favorite dating app?

Timber.

Why did the tree need to take a nap?

For rest.

Why was the weeping willow so sad?

It watched a sappy movie.

Why do you never want to invite a tree to your party?

Because they never leaf when you want them to.

How do you know when a tree doesn’t know the answer to something?

It shrubs.

Why was the tree stumped?

It couldn’t get to the root of the problem.

How do you know when a tree has had too much to drink?

It won’t stop trunk texting their ax.

Where do saplings go to learn?

Elementree school.

Why couldn’t the fig tree get back in shape?

It couldn’t stick to a root-ine.

What’s the best way to make a tree laugh?

Tell it acorn-y joke.

How did the tree get lost?

It took the wrong root.

Why did the Chesnut tree feel left out?

It never got in on the oak.

What is a tree’s least favorite month?

Sep-timber!

What is a tree’s favorite school subject?

Geometree

How did the elm tree know the fig tree wasn’t looking for anything serious?

It asked for no twigs attached.

Palm Tree Puns

Palm trees may seem like they symbolize vacation in a tropical beach paradise. There is plenty more fun to be had besides the laying underneath a palm frond on a sunny day. Palm trees give us a wealth of great humor. Palm tree jokes are sure to make you chuckle so hard you spill your piña colada all over the white sand.

What type of tree fits in your hand?

A palm tree.

What did the wind say to the coconut palm tree?

Hold onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job.

What does a palm tree drink after a round of golf?

An Arnold Palme

What does a palm tree say when it meets new people?

Lets be fronds

What’s a palm tree’s favorite dog?

A Palmeranian

Pine Tree Puns

Pine Tree jokes may just be my favorite of the bunch, guaranteed to spruce up any gathering with friends. You can probably conifer a laugh out of them with a few of these great pine tree jokes and puns. Remember not to needle anyone too hard because you never know when a pine tree joke may come back on you.

What do you get when you cross a pig with a pine tree?

A pork-u-pine.

Why couldn’t the evergreen ever land a date?

It was so busy pining after unavailable trees that it never really branched out.

How does a coniferous tree get ready for a date?

They spruce themselves up.

What is a pine tree’s favorite singer?

Spruce Springsteen.

What is a pine tree’s favorite radio station?

Anything that plays the poplar hits.

Why don’t pine trees eat salad?

Because they’re coniferous.

You know you’re drunk when you’ve got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road…

…only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.

Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

Christmas Tree Puns

Christmas is a time for family, cookies, milk, gifts, and ole St. Nick. We all know when the family has a few too many eggnogs, the jokes start fly. So don’t be frosty and get into the holiday spirit with some awesome Christmas tree jokes. The Christmas trees aren’t just where the fat man puts your presents, but it is also a beacon of humor. So without further adieu here are the best of the best Christmas tree puns.

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

They keep losing their needles.

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they’re dead inside.

What do One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?

They both have ornamental balls.

Bought a Christmas tree today. The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room.

We accidentally bought a drunk Christmas tree this year…

That thing is lit every night; I swear to God.

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis

What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and IPad?

Pineapple

My cat has been nibbling on the Christmas tree…

Now she’s coughing up fir balls.

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present’s beneath them

If a Tree Falls in the Forest Joke

I don’t know about you, but philosophical debates aren’t really my cup of tea. Thank goodness the world can find humor in anything. Leading us to our next great category “if a tree falls” jokes. I mean, I certainly can’t answer whether it makes a sound or not. The noise you will hear after reading this section won’t but the thud of a tree trunk, but more than likely, the muffled noises of you suppressing laughter. So come on let out the laughs, even in the library or work office, with these great jokes there is no hiding the giggles.

If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does a hipster buy it’s album?

If a tree falls on a woman and nobody is around to hear it, why was a tree in the kitchen?

If a man says something in the forest, and no woman is there to hear it, is he still wrong?

If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

I don’t have a tree falling joke. I just came here to let you know that I’m a vegan.

If a man’s heart breaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear it, does she even care?

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it…

…Then my illegal logging business is a success.

Morning Wood Jokes

Naturally, when venturing into jokes about wood, inevitably, we “wood” end up here. For those who don’t favor crass humor, please divert your eyes now. For those of us who want to laugh until we have six-pack abs, go ahead and feast upon these hilarious and dirty morning wood jokes.

What bird will cause you to wake up in pain?

A morning woodpecker

What do you call a tree with an erection?

Morning Wood

How does a tree get rid of morning wood?

It shoots its sap

Dirty Jokes

We have finally arrived at the culmination of our tree joke extravaganza. Where else would the fitting ending be? Well, of course, we had to descend into the basement filled with dirty jokes. These will be sure to make our more adult audience bark with laughter. So hold on to your branches and get ready for some really good filthy humor.

What did the oak tree on spring break say?

Where the Birches at?

An oak tree walks into a bar.

Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.

Your mom is like a Christmas Tree…

She gets lit and covered in balls.

I put the Christmas tree in our bed.

Hopefully, my wife will be okay with us having a treesome.

Pine cones

Easy to get in, hard to get out.

What do a Christmas tree and a Catholic priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces.

The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says, “Who’s the faggot now?”

If you have sex with a tree, do you both have wood?

If you have sex with a tree and a dog, which one barks?

If you have sex with a tree, will it call you after or leaf you alone?

If you have sex with a tree, will you get termites?

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