142 Snake Jokes That Are Simply Hiss-terical

Why did the snake cross the playground? To get to the other sssslide.

What do you call a snake that loves math? An adder.

What do you call two snakes that fall in love? A pair of wrap stars.

Why did the snake go to the doctor? It had a frog in its throat.

What did the snake say when it got a gift? Thanks, I'll treasure it for hiss and hers.

Why was the young snake grounded? It would not stop hissing in class.

What is a snake's least favorite subject in gym? Jump rope, no feet for it.

Why did the snake win the spelling bee? It was great with every letter of the alpha-bite.

What do you call a snake that builds houses out of wood? A log cabin constrictor.

Why did the snake bring a map to the forest? It kept losing the scenic rout.

What did the snake order at the diner? A plate of mice cream, hold the fork.

Why did the snake refuse to play cards? It was afraid of the asp up the dealer's sleeve.

What do you call a snake that just finished a nap? Well rested and ready to recoil.

Why was the snake great at the quiz night? It always had a sharp strike answer.

What did the snake say after a long shift? I am ready to just coil up and relax.

I am not short tempered, I just have a low hiss threshold.

That plan has a fang-tastic ring to it.

My new gym motto: strike first, stretch later.

I was going to tell a snake pun, but it was too long to uncoil.

You are absolutely fang-tastic and I mean that from the bottom of my scales.

My budget is tight, so I am really watching my hiss-penses.

Let me shed some light on the situation.

I am having a fang-tastic day and nothing can rattle me.

She is the viper of positivity around here.

That was a close one, I nearly had a hiss-take.

Keep calm and carry on slithering.

I only trust people who are scale honest with me.

He is a boa of energy at every party.

My coffee order is a venti, make that a venom-ti.

We go together like hiss and hers towels.

I run on cold blooded confidence.

Not slow, just moving at slither speed.

I did not trip, that was a spontaneous slither.

My mood today is coiled and ready.

I am not antisocial, I am selectively serpentine.

Warning: sarcasm levels are venomous today.

I do not hold grudges, I just coil them for later.

My focus is sharp and my patience is pre strike silence.

Underestimate me once, and only once.

Growth is quiet, it is just a slow slither forward.

I shed old habits the way I shed old skin, all at once.

My words have a bite, so I use them wisely.

I do not rush, slithering has never missed a deadline.

Cold blooded is not an insult, it is a lifestyle.

Think before you poke, this one strikes back.

Just hissing around.

Scaled and thriving.

Shed the old, slither into the new.

New skin, same energy.

Snake mode: fully activated.

Hiss and shine this morning.

Main character, reptile edition.

Coiled and ready for greatness.

Born to stand out, not to blend in.

No filter, just fangs.

Serpent energy only on this feed.

Slithered into your feed, you are welcome.

Scales over everything.

Shed season is officially open.

Strike a pose, then strike for real.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Boa. / Boa who? / Boa me a snack, I am starving.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Viper. / Viper who? / Viper nose, it is running again.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Cobra. / Cobra who? / Cobra the whole blanket, it is cold.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Adder. / Adder who? / Adder these numbers for me, please.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Python. / Python who? / Python your coat, we are leaving.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Mamba. / Mamba who? / Mamba said there would be days like this.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Scale. / Scale who? / Scale the wall and meet me on the other side.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Fang. / Fang who? / Fang you very much for opening the door.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Hiss. / Hiss who? / Hiss me quick, the bus is here.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Rattle. / Rattle who? / Rattle not rock, the baby is asleep.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Slither. / Slither who? / Slither in quietly, the show started.

Knock, knock. / Who's there? / Coil. / Coil who? / Coil you keep it down in there.

What is a snake's favorite thing to do at recess? Hiss and seek.

How do baby snakes get around? They take the slither bus.

What do you call a snake that tells bedtime stories? A storyteller with a soft hiss.

What does a snake wear on a chilly day? A turtleneck, since it has no neck to argue.

What is a snake's favorite snack at the park? Wiggle fries.

How do snakes stay in touch with friends? They send a quick hiss.

What do you call a snake that is very polite? A please and thank you serpent.

Why do snakes love summer? They finally get to work on their tan lines.

What is a snake's favorite game at a party? Pin the tail, since it does not have one.

How does a little snake say hello? With a tiny wave and a friendly hiss.

What do you call a snake that loves bubbles? A soapy slitherer.

Why was the snake so good at hide and seek? It could blend into any lane.

What does a snake bring to show and tell? Its shiny shed skin.

What is a snake's favorite shape? A loop, it practices every day.

Why did the snake smile all morning? It woke up feeling scale good.

How does a cobra make a decision? It sleeps on it, then strikes in the morning.

Why is the cobra such a good listener? It keeps its hood up and its mind open.

What do you call a python that loves coding? A programmer who never skips a loop.

Why did the python win the hug contest? It gives the warmest full body squeeze.

What do you call a boa that gives great advice? A wise old wrap.

Why do boas make bad secret keepers? They always let things slip out slowly.

What is a rattlesnake's favorite instrument? The maracas, naturally.

Why did the rattlesnake join the band? It already had the shaker part down.

How does a viper order coffee? Extra bold, with a little venom of energy.

Why was the viper so confident? It knew it had the sharpest comeback.

What do you call an anaconda at a party? The one who gives the biggest squeeze goodbye.

Why did the anaconda skip the buffet? It already had a big weekend plan.

What is a mamba's favorite dance? A quick two step with a quicker exit.

Why did the adder become an accountant? It loved working with growing numbers.

What do you call a sea snake on vacation? A swimmer who never needs a float.

Sir Hiss-a-lot, the knight who never stops chatting.

Monty the python who quotes old comedy all day.

Hiss Hemsworth, the most dramatic snake in the terrarium.

Slither Swift, writes a song about every shed.

Boa Regard, so classy it slithers in a bow tie.

Julius Squeezer, rules the whole terrarium.

Fangela, keeps the office running on schedule.

Count Slithula, only comes out after dark.

Noodle, a danger noodle with great timing.

Coilin, always wrapped up in his own plans.

Sir Pent, the one with the fancy title.

Scaley the enthusiast, loudest fan in the stands.

Hissabella, all beauty and a little attitude.

Mamba Number Five, the one everyone remembers.

Professor Rattlesworth, teaches percussion on the side.

I bought a snake a hat the other day. It was a real boa topper.

My snake started a bakery. The rolls come out perfectly coiled.

I asked my snake to tidy up. It said it would get around to it eventually.

My snake tried stand up comedy. The jokes had real bite but zero legs to stand on.

I taught my snake to knit. Now everything comes out as one long scarf.

My snake opened a gym. The only class is core and coil.

I told my snake the fridge was empty. It said it would just squeeze by.

My snake applied for a desk job. It aced the long term projects.

I gave my snake a drum kit. Now the whole house goes rattle and roll.

My snake joined the choir. It only sings the long notes.

I asked my snake for a loan. It said it was a little short on scales.

My snake took up painting. Every piece is abstract and a bit twisty.

I entered my snake in a race. It lost, but it finished in good coil.

My snake wrote a memoir. It is mostly about shedding the past.

I asked my snake to pick a movie. It went with anything by Monty.

A snake slides up to a carpenter and asks for help. The carpenter says, but you have no arms, how will you build anything. The snake grins and says, do not worry, I am a natural boa constructor.

Two snakes are chatting on a log. One asks, are we the dangerous kind. The other thinks and says, I sure hope not, I just bit my own lip.

A snake walks into a library and the librarian whispers for quiet. The snake nods, settles into the reading nook, and only lets out the softest hiss.

A snake signs up for a dance class. The teacher says, show me your best move. The snake does one smooth ripple and the whole room says, now that is the mamba.

A snake goes to a job interview and the manager asks for its greatest strength. The snake says, I am excellent at follow through, once I commit I never let go.

A young snake asks its mom why they move so quietly. She says, because the best ideas arrive without a sound, and so do we.

A snake buys a boomerang at the shop. The clerk warns it might come back around. The snake shrugs and says, honestly, most of my choices do.

A snake tries to make tea but keeps spilling it. A friend asks what is wrong. The snake sighs and says, turns out I am just not good at handles.

A snake joins a hiking club and keeps winning the trail races. The others ask its secret. It says, simple, I never stop to tie my shoes.

A snake orders a custom suit and the tailor is stumped. How do I measure you, he asks. The snake says, just go by scales, I always do.