By Kate Have you ever thought about walking the streets of foggy London town only to realize how peculiar British people are? British jokes are a great source of humor, they can be funny adult jokes in English or some great English puns. There can even be a whirlwind of laughs about English teacher jokes from around the globe. Don’t let the Edinburgh Fringe influence you, and let’s get the laughs going with the impunity of the British empire. Come take a stroll down the cobblestone streets of the best English jokes on the planet.
Short Jokes
The greatest jokes or English puns can sometimes be the shortest. Go ahead and ask the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield, the king of one-liner comedy. A quip or sarcastic remark will set anyone into a fit of laughter. Even a stolid guard at the front gates of Buckingham Palace can’t resist. Here we have the best short jokes imaginable.
Britain has invented a new missile. It’s called the civil servant –
it doesn’t work and it can’t be fired.
Why do British people drive on the left?
Because they have no rights.
What do British women call their menstruation cycles?
A bloody mess
Why did the conjoined twins go to Great Britain?
So the other one could learn to drive.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work.
What is the longest word in the English language?
‘Smiles’. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.
Did you hear what the English, the Irish and the Scots did when they heard the world was coming to an end?
The English all went out and got drunk. The Irish all went to church. And the Scots had a closing down sale.
How does every English joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Why aren’t the England football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can’t hold on to a lead.
What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup?
A Referee
What does the Loch Ness monster eat?
Fish and ships.
Why can British people lose weight faster?
Because every time they buy something, they lose some pounds!
What does D.I.A.N.A stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
Why don’t you ever see penguins in Great Britain?
Because they’re scared of Wales
What are British people’s favorite nuts?
Chess Nuts
English Teacher Jokes
English teachers can find themselves in some hilarious scenarios. English teacher jokes are filled with great humor along with those witty English teacher puns. Check out our favorite English teacher jokes that will make the English class red with laughter, these are some of the best English jokes available.
My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.
Wheel sea
What’s the Difference Between a Teacher and a Train?
The teacher says, “Spit your gum out,” and the train says, “Chew, chew!”
Let’s eat Grandma. Let’s eat, Grandma.
Comma’s save lives.
How does an English teacher punish a valley girl?
Assign a 10-15 page research paper on the bastardization of the word “like.”
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
I’ll never date another apostrophe.
The last one was way too possessive.
I will always be disappointed a group of squids is not called a squad.
A comma and a period are driving together
Comma: Let’s slow down right here.
Period: We better just stop.
What does the priest say when English teachers get married
I now pronouns you he and she
Jokes about Brexit
What’s funny about a populace being torn apart by political issues? I’ll tell you what is funny, it’s finally happening to the British. The British empire conquered and tore apart countless cultures, finally civil unrest has turned its gaze to the British isle. You know what that means? It means it’s time to laugh at their expense. Grab your passport and exchange your quid as we share our best Brexit jokes. (sorry Prince Harry)
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
How did the Brexit chicken cross the road?
I never said there was a road. Or a chicken.
You know you are from an Irish Catholic background when withdrawal agreement
means something entirely different..
What did Teresa May say before her union?
“I’m leaving EU”.
I have a brexit joke for ya
But I’ll need another 6 months
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman enter a bar
The Englishmen wanted to go, so they all had to leave
Why don’t Brexiters wear condoms?
They prefer to pull out.
I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit…
…which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.
What’s the good thing with jokes about the brexit?
They will be still relevant in a decade
My father is a Brexit negotiator.
As was his father before him.
How much will the EU loose after brexit?
About 1 GB.
I call my pregnant wife Brexit.
Despite my best attempts there wasn’t any pulling out.
I’m so lonely
Even Brexit has been on more dates than me this year
What did Britian say to its trading partners?
See EU later.
I heard Europe is starting to look sexy
now that it has lost a few pounds.
NEW England Patriots Jokes
You can’t mention England without talking about New England. Somehow Americans found a place colder and more miserable than then England, and aptly named it for the motherland. The similarities don’t stop there; the people who live in New England also overly identify with their favorite sports teams (I’m talking to you, premier league hooligans). The New England Patriots don’t have a huge hooligan fan base, but they sure have a hooligan staff. The Patriots continue to cheat in ways that make for some great English puns. So here we go with some really funny New England Patriots jokes.
What’s the difference between the Patriots and cigarettes?
Eli Manning doesn’t smoke cigarettes
What do Patriots fans and horse flies have in common?
They’re both annoying.
Why do the New England Patriots hate Xbox?
There’s no cheat button.
How does a Patriots quarterback get signals from the sideline?
Bill Belichick sends in a tape.
Why can’t Tom Brady have any more kids?
His balls were deflated.
What do you call a TV Show about the New England Patriots?
Bradys Bunch of Deflated Balls
What do the New England Patriots and a Chick-Fil-A manager have in common?
Neither one shows up for work on Sunday.
Why does Aaron Hernandez resort to murdering people?
Because Tim Tebow brings out the worst in everybody.
What do you do after winning a Super Bowl?
You “Party Like A Gronk Star”.
What is Tom brady’s favorite letter?
Sssssssss! (sound of air leaking from a ball)
Why is Aaron Hernandez’s NFL career over?
By the time he gets out of jail he wont have a tight end left.
What will happen if Tom Brady can’t make the delivery of his first child with Gisele Bundchen?
Bill Belichick will tape it!
What is the name for Giselle & Tom Brady’s baby boy?
Brady Bunch!
How do the Patriots spend the first week of training camp?
Studying the Miranda Rights
Did you hear about Aaron Hernandez?
He entered prison as a tight end and became a wide receiver.
Jokes About British People
Bad teeth, and bad breath, no, I’m not talking about a stray dog, I’m referring to English people. Jokes on England, and the strange British people that live there, never ceases to make me laugh. Quirky and filled with idiosyncratic behavior, I can’t think of a better subject matter for cracking up laughing. Why do they spell humor as humor? Stop your dental hygiene regiment and get ready for some hilarious stereotyping with these funny jokes about British people.
They say us British people like to join queues
We don’t and I will be first in line to tell you that
What do you call it when a British person takes a really good look at something?
A propaganda
I hate it when British people talk about the big pile of trash in the ocean.
They shouldn’t talk about their country like that.
What do you call a Scotsman with diarrhea?
Bravefart.
What do you do if you are driving your car in central London and you see a spaceman?
Park in it, of course.
What time was it when the monster ate the British prime minister?
Eight P.M.
What’s the most favorite day of British people?
Summer
British Jokes About America
Oh my, how the tables have turned. Here we take a look through the monocle of an English geezer and stare across the pond in the United States. Time to poke fun at the fatty fast food freaks known as Americans. Everything is “bigger and better,” it makes you wonder if Americans are compensating for something…hmmmmm. Although it’s harder to make fun of a non-homogenous society, we will find a way to make some great generalization on our way to some funny jokes on America by the Brits.
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election,
I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
I asked my wife to fake an accent from a developed country tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have healthcare.
What’s the difference between America and yogurt?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it will develop a culture
Imagine if America switched from pounds to stones overnight
There would be mass confusion.
What do you call intelligent people in America?
Tourists.
As a British person, I have a question about the states of America…
Wyoming?
Why did James Corden move to America?
Because he wasn’t funny in England
British Accent Jokes
It is crazy to think how Americans have taken a butchered British accent and turned it into the clean and concise language we have today. Filled with nonsense expressions and mispronunciations (don’t ask a man from South England to say the number three), the British accent is down-right hilarious. They don’t understand simple American expressions like “the other day”, and prefer to say things like “last fortnite.” Let’s sip our tea and eat some crumpets over a game of cricket while we all laugh in unison at these funny British accent jokes.
What do the Brits eat for breakfast?
Cheerios ‘ol chap.
How many British apartments does a c# major have?
7 flats.
What’s the difference between watts and ohms?
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
Why don’t British people pronounce their T’s?
They left them in the Boston Harbor
Why can’t British people go to North Korea?
Nobody at the ticket counter knows what “north career” means
What do British people call cigarettes?
A fookin cig. What’d you think I was gonna say?
What’s a redneck with a British accent called?
An Australian
Now you can see what all the hype is about. These England jokes and English puns will make you laugh through the next day. Don’t hesitate to comment on a great British joke of your own (it’s a pun), and be sure to share with your friends, because everyone needs laughter and good humor in their life.
